There’s a line in Born on the Fourth of July that you may or may not know. Tom Cruise’s character is arguing with his mother when he whips out his catheter (he’s paralysed at this stage) and shouts “Penis Mom!” repeatedly. It’s supposed to be a harrowing, awful scene about his emasculation during the war and the life he has to lead after his injuries, but of course, because he says penis mom and I’m an infantile, immature idiot, I think it’s gas. But it’s not of course, and you shouldn’t laugh as the film is excellent and a harrowing account of one man’s struggle yada yada yada. Anyway it’s something I say a lot when I’m frustrated. Some examples- A plate slips out of my hand and smashes; Penis Mom! Someone parks across my driveway; Penis Mom! I catch my thumb in a drawer; you guessed it, Penis Mom! I think it’s the unlikely combination of the words penis and mom. Occasionally, if I ring one of my friends, I use it instead of a greeting. “Hello?” “Penis Mom!” It’s a winner I swear. Once I shouted it down the phone to my friends mother by mistake. You’d think she’d be shocked but apparently she uses it in it’s swear word format now occasionally. (I took some time to explain what it was to her afterwards lest she thought I was some sort of infantile, immature idiot.)
Why the sudden foul mouthedness you might ask? This blog used to be so family oriented? Didn’t it? Probably not. The reason I’m saying it now is because I’m having a lot of Penis Mom moments these days, usually involving injuries. Here’s a small catalogue- I’ll start with The Back Injury. The start date is mid- September 2008.
1) The Back Injury- At our seminar with JK, I was rolling with a guy and he caught me in a nice little neck crank, to which I tapped. When I stood up something felt wrong and for the next 2 weeks I couldn’t look left or at my toes. This was a recurrence of an old injury for which I was prescribed rehab exercises, which I did for 2 weeks and then quit on. This kept me out of BJJ for 3 weeks. I now do the rehab every week. Penis Mom!
2) The Elbow Fracture- Not long after returning from The Back Injury, I was sparring a wee bit with the Kiddie Krippler. We were clinching when he turned me off the wall and I banged my elbow somewhat innocuously against a corner of the wall. I sparred on and then walked off but had to get someone to remove my glove. I tried to let it heal but eventually gave up and went to the hospital and they told me I had a hairline fracture of the elbow. This kept me out of BJJ for a week, but I could still do some things, against doctors advice. Penis Mom!
3) The Food Poisoning- The friday before I was due to compete in the BJJ open, I cooked me some beef. I spent the next 12 hours wondering which end to point at the toilet first. (I chose the least humiliating one). This kept me out of the BJJ open, and out of training for a couple of days but sapped my strength so much that I was unable to complete 20 push ups on the Monday afterwards and was unable to eat anything other than toast for 4 days. Penis Mom!
4) The Shin Injury- But I may not have been able to do the BJJ open anyway because of the enourmous lump on my shinbone, which was so tender that when Olli tapped it gently during drilling one night, I yelped in pain. This kept me out of BJJ for 3 weeks, and out of good thai and mma sparring for 2. All from a clash of shins. Penis Mom!
5) The Elbow Injury- This is a long running thing. I had my elbow dislocated about 4 years ago and occasionally it gives me some jip but sometimes it gives me a lot of jip. About a week ago I was hitting pads when my padholder missed a right hand from me. My hand went straight through and I hyperextended it, yelping like a big girl’s blouse. It’s been moderately sore but then on Tuesday when sparring I missed with a right hand and did it again. Now it’s much worse and I can’t really bend it. Luckily, this is livable with and as long as nobody armlocks me, I’m fine. Ger nearly armlocked me tonight though, that was a moment of doubt in my elbow’s ability but I survived through a combination of good Jiu Jitsu and fear. Penis Mom!
6) The Knee Injury- My knee, which I’ve done ligament damage to countless times, sounds like someone has pured dry rice krispies into it when I move it. That can’t be good, but doesn’t keep me out of training, so I’ve nothing against it really. But Penis Mom! just to keep up appearances.
Now I’m pretty sure I’m not the most accident prone guy in the world, and I don’t believe in luck, so I don’t know what to call this other than an unfortunate sequence of events. Someone said “aw you’re getting old” but I’m fairly sure age doesn’t bring you in greater proximity to wall corners, or make beef less hygenic. So what is responsible for so much Penis Mom? What should I dear reader? Should I take a break from training to let all those niggles heal? That hasn’t helped me so far, every time I come back after a break I just re-injure myself. Should I do less? Should I do more? I’m baffled, and, to be frank I feel like I’m a terrible advertisement for the wonderful, safe sport of mixed martial arts. Sure people pick up bumps and bruises, knocks and strains but who in our gym has a catalogue of injuries like this? No one that’s who.
What a quandry. In gym news the Olympics were a great success, but my phone ran out of batteries so I was neither able to get photos of that or of the warm-up I promised to video. Sorry. I’ll get the warm up down for anyone who is interested on Saturday.